My Shameful confession

I'm fat, there's no denying that, anyone can see it! I know I may alot of you feel sick out there and i'm sorry really sorry, but I'm doing this to shame myself, as a punishment for how fat I've let myself get! I've always had a problem with food, my mother brought me up to 'always finish my plate' even though I was given twice an adults portion. All tasty, but fat and calorie ridden that now makes me feel sick thinking about it. So I'm fat and have always been fat apart from once in my life...

I had split up with a guy that used to beat me, a long 3 and a half years of abuse. One day I finally had the courage to leave, with that courage came self respect, not from my size but I realised i could do anything. So many of my friends were slim and beautiful, so I said that's enough I'm getting slim! Everyday I ate the same thing, no breakfast, black sugarless tea, a small salad for lunch (no dressing, on occassion a tiny bit of plain tuna) and for dinner a small packet of noodles with veg. Slowly day by day Ana spoke more and more to me...

'Move your lazy arse, why are you sitting! You'll burn more calories if you stand you know'
So I would stand knowing she was right.
'If your standing you might aswell move! Jog on the spot, do push ups against the wall, run up and down the stairs, tense and release your muscles...every calorie counts!'
So I would obey her, knowing she was right...every single calorie DID count! For every one I didn't take I was gaining more control over my fat nasty self! And I did, one day my boss asked would i like some coleslaw on my salad, I nearly freaked out! Mayonnaise! How disgusting I though, I could just imagine the fat seeping into me, like an infection. I went home with avengence and checked out my noodles, and omg the fat content in the dry powder was astronomical!!! I'd been eating all of this fat every day! Ok, I WAS the slimmest I had ever been, but I knew I was still fat. I could see my lovely hip and collarbones, the looked sooo beautiful!
I threw away the packets and carried on my routine.
One day a little thing, apparently called common sense, said to me.
'Jasmine, you can't keep at this. You must have SOME fat in your diet,a small amount is healthy, you remember science class!'
I wasn't convinced, but then it said.
'Look at your friends, they eat all sorts of things and stay slim. It'll be ok, we'll just make sure you have tiny portions, then the calories stay low, but you get a varied diet'
The strange voice had a point, ok I will try. But my God it was Sooo hard. just to put a teaspoon of coleslaw on my salad. I could imagine that fat making me fat again. But each day it got easier, and I just maintained my weight. Ana slowly stopped talking to me a few months later. I guess that's when the trouble all began again...