EWWWW!

I just found out I'm STILL OBESE!!!! Ok, so the BMI says that I am overweight but this is just taking weight into consideration, not BODY FAT...so I wanted to see what a normal level was for a woman (over 18...under 18 is different to all you youngsters out there)

I found this chart.

Female 18-79 years


I'm 27 with a body fat percentage of 45%!!!! I'm clinically OBESE! I should die with how fat I am, I just make myself sick. So to be just 'normal' I have to be at the most 35%...which still seems far too high, but that is my first goal.

Urgh, I'm disgusting!

SUPER UPDATE!!!

Hello beauties, sorry i've been gone so long...lots to tell you all I'll start with the bad and end with the good.

BINGEY TIME...yes it got me again big time, so much for my super water fast lol, I suppose the thought of NO FOOD scared my body into cramming as much as possible into it's mouth. I gained all the way back up to a whopping 198.8!!!! Disgusting I know, please we won't mention this number ever ever again and why?!? I hear you ask well it's because...

ANA and MIA have taken me so snugly into thier bony caress!

I couldn't face wrirint on here again until I'd lost my initial weight gain...writing your failures can have a detrimental effect i've seen, so I was determined to show you all some good news. Today is the 7th day of Steph and I being back on the good old abc diet! Oh am I so happy to have structure back in my life, but even abc seems too high in cals for us, so we have decided to do an abc or less diet :D

My weight now I hear you ask??? (unless of course you looked up at the little butterfly hehe) it's finally out of those god for saken 90's and is 189lbs! I'm hoping to be in the 70's next week. So I have lost 10lbs this past week and feel great for it.

Mia:
My dad tried to make me eat yesterday, but then he went to his study upstairs, while Mia and I got rid of it all in the downstairs loo, whoo hoo! Still managed to lose 2 lbs last night! Mia has been very kind to me, she has blessed me with her presence twice this week, usually she never comes to see me, but I think she see's how hard I'm trying...she only seems to come when I HAVEN'T binged lol, typical, but hey you gotta love her!

Ana:
She has been so lovely to me this past week, she has motivated me, and given me key goals. Made me feel ill by looking at food, and has literally given me the flu I believe as a present to burn more calories and to inhibit hunger! Today she spoke kindly to me as I looked down at my bowl of food, and I RAN to the bin to throw most of it away, a few mouthfuls were more than enough she has taught me. She has changed my goals, and has given me more motivation at the gym, I am swimming and doing classes more, to burn away as much as possible. May she NEVER leave my side.
My goal has now leaned from 135 to 130lbs hehe, steph's is now 125lbs :D I realised today whilst walking home from the shops (worry not I only bought yogurt for myself!) that if I only lost 1lb a day, I'd be my goal weight in less than two months...yes TWO MONTHS!!! How amazing is that, also at the moment I'm losing between 1-2lbs a day, so I may see a slimmer me in a much faster time!

Exercise has been good, gym/swim 3-4 times a week, running club and a class, know I should do more than that but...I will admit to being lazy.

So that is my update, from now on you will keep getting regular posts I promise, for I will not fall back into that horrible food hall again, the thoght sickens me. Thanks for reading, hope all is well with you!!!

Mantra for the day: If it won't make you fit, then you'd better be sick (for all the mia girls out there)

Been slack, Been Crap...NO MORE It's Ana-time!

Eddie (ednos) was tricky and convinced me i had control over my eating...that abc wasn't working and that I could do it all on my own, I hate him. But he has taught me a lesson I will never forget, I NEED Ana, there is no way I can do this without her. She is my only way, my light beautiful future is with her. So I am making a pledge to her now.

I, Jasmine hereby swear to fast, and to fast only with water and Ice for 14 days. I will exercise everyday, if weak a 30 min walk will suffice, but no excuses are to be made. Food will not pass my lips and I will count each day as a step back into Ana's arms. I swear to keep this promise, if forced to drink of eat by others, I will add an extra two days onto my fast and will workout and extra 30mins the next day.

After my fast I will decide whether to carry on witht the water fast, or switch to a juice fast. I will be beautiful inside and out. Steph is joining me on this vow, our vow to Ana, our pledge to her, and our begging of forgiveness to think we could go it alone.

We All love You Ana.

Why does sadness bring about eating!

Not heard from my bf is 3 days, until...just now! Well I don't trust him, and so have gone from feeling terribly worried to utterly lonely, tears are creeping into my eyes. My worry made me eat 300cals today not 150 :( I did burn 933 at the gym, so all is not too bad. But now I feel so bad I feel that the razor blade may make another appearance tonight. Why am I so weak when it comes to men? I want to give them my heart, my soul, my everything...but no on wants me, I am ugly, fat and disgusting. Even if I'm beautiful and pure within, no one can see it through the repulsive sight of me. So yes, I am going to cling on to Ana with every stength of my being, only she will bea able to give me a chance on day of being loved. Of not being alone, fat and depressed like I have been my whole life.

I feel worthless, most probably because I am...

Oh and i'm still fat at 193lbs, of course did I expect anything else?

Update: I think I should tell you all that not only do I suffer from ed, but I also have Borederline Personlity Disorder, with extreme bouts of depression, anxiety and feelings of rejection, that may help you understand me and my mood swings more.

That blissful empty feeling

Ahh, abc seems to wrong now after two days fasting...well I was a bit naughty, a diet coke and three olives (one chewed and spat) haha. But that was more than satisfactory for me! Who needs food anyway?! Not me that's for sure, after all I've enough of the stuff stored on me haha, I probably could go without food for 6 months :P Mmm what a tantilising thought *daydreams of waterfalls and a foodless world*

Ok back to reality, was bad in the sense of no gym, but I WILL be going tomo, so worry not my lovely girlies I AM still on a mission to get this fat girl thin. Ana has been so kind to me today, I've not had any nausea like yesterday, been great for energy, a few hunger thoughts but her and Steph kept me well away :) Seeing through Ana's eyes is oh so beautiful, I see thin people and obese people and I know who I want to be. Every day I hold tiny (uk sizes) size 4, 6, 8 dresses all designer and gorgeous, I place them next to me and man is thaat thinspiration! I tell the woman I work with I'm going to fit in this soon, and I so so will!

My optimism is still going good as you can see, I think seeing scales drop every day is always a bonus, was thinking even with my weight gain from my naughty binge, my body fat didn't go up, so hopefully it all went to building muscle, well fingers crossed!

So tomo it's back to abc, on a 150cal day, seems so much now, but I'm sure I won't feel too bad, my fridge is full of salad haha, and I still can't stand the though of throwing it away, but it's good for me, wish I was a rabbit :D nahh, I just want to be Angelina Jolie, ahh my idol! So this morning I weighed in at 193 and now I am 192.6 haha, 0.4 drop but hey I've not slept yet, how exciting! So let us see what the morning scales bring on! Man it's going to be hard to eat tomorrow, sigh.

THANK YOU ANA FOR COMING BACK TO ME, I DON'T DESERVE YOU!!!!

Mantra for the day: Chips and scones will hide my bones, But grapes will never hurt me!

Fatty on a mission!

Hey everyone, well today has been great on the lose weight now front, personal life not so good, but I'm gonna cling to this good feeling with both hands! Especially after finding out I weighed 194 this morning! That's a 2.2lb gain, yuk! Ok to start you all off my fast so far (it's about 7.45pm) has been great! The only thing to have touched my lips bar water has been...toothpaste! Haha, got you there! So no cals for me thank you very much.

But it gets better folks! I scrubbed an old ladies house for 3 hrs (cals burned unknown), then my mission really began. I went swimming and burned over 600 cal, then went straight to the gym and burned over 500 cal, so lovelies today I burned 1174 cal says the gym's magic computer!

On a different front, I went to the steam room before the gym, and the steam got rid of all of my horrible stubborn blackheads that have clung to my nose for as long as I can remember! So YES I will be going swimming more lol. Oh I picked up some whey protein too, worry not I've not had any yet, the scary 100 cal from each portion has stopped me. But It will be nice taking this instead of havibng to eat, and I know I'll be getting lots of protein for building lovely muscles!

Ahh, kind of tired now, so bed slouchy time for me. Felt faint a fair few times today, also felt like I was going to throw up (not that I had anythhing to throw up of course) but I fought through it, even with naughty mia in my ear saying;

'Well you could eat you know...you feel sick already so it will come up soo easily! Go on, you don't want to faint do you!'

I replied with a sharp

'SHUT UP MIA'

She did just that haha, I never realised how easy it was to shut her up before, I think I hurt her feelings :P

Todays Mantra: Burger and fries or skinny thighs?

2.2lbs gain!!!

It just proves that I can't eat like 'normal people' if you can call them tht anyway, I'm starting to see that the majority of the propultion could use ana as they're all fat too. But I am just gutted that i'm 194 again! I feel like I'm going backwards, but that's it, steph and I are putting our heads down and are having a two day fast instead of one, just to kick start us again and get us all motivated. If we ever want to reach our goals in time we have to at least be losing between 1 and 2 pounds a night. Well i'll update you all tonight, hopefully I've kept my fat mouth shut :D

I'm sorry to every last one of you

I'm sorry for not posting yesterday, my day went well but I left my charger at my mates house, when It came down to writing my blog my comp died. I also got really upset, thankfully Steph and my bf both perked me up (Steph more of course, guys just can't do support as well hehe) Well I think this all really effected me today, from the moment i woke up I have been on some crazy carb binge! I've had pasta, a teaspoon of bread and butter pudding (which I chew and spat out), toast, toast and more damn toast! Like 6 slices all together, I just want to cry. I've probably eaten 1000 calories, I don't deserve to live eating like such a fat greedy disgusting pig.

Why couldn't I have just walked away? I feel like fasting for a week now. I feel too ashamed to post pics, really i feel too ashamed to talk to any of you, as I know how hard you are all working. I'm just pathetic, but I swear that I will not binge again until the end of abc! I can't, how will I ever reach perfection haha perfection, how will i ever be NORMAL weight let alone obese :(

So again I apologise to you all, ana is chastising me at every minute and I deserve every word.

Hello my pretty butterflies!

Today has been a strange one, I was meant to go on a picnic, so i took all precautions and packed my lunch beforehand, not trusting nearby shops of course! But alas the weather was rotten spoiling all plans so we went...TO THE PUB! EEK! But you'll be glad to know I was good! I drank three gin and slimline tonics 168 cals :) i shared a ricecake with marmite 16 cals for half. When I got home the dreaded alcohol made me soooooo hungry. I don't mean just grumbly belly, I mean parched mouth, grumbling stomach, mind STUCK on food, proper 'binge time' came. I was so worried I would binge, but I was chatting to steph, she inspired me beyond belief!

Today she managed to go to a donut shop with family and NOT EAT A THING...then guess where she was going after our convo? A blimmin cheesecake place! OMG she has such strong willpower! I calculated how many cals I had left and stuck to them...well I had 301 all together lol, but whose counting ;) so a beetroot salad, some melba toast, a slice of chicken and a 20cal cheese triangle I was done (you see it was technically a big binge BUT I kept it all in cal budget, so I'm mighty chuffed!)

OOo found out that I need to be 191.5 pounds exactly to stop being OBESE! So not long to go :) I would have loved to have reached it for tomo's weigh day, but I pretty much doubt that will happen! Oh and here's a strange thing, I took a lax pill last night (I go to the bathroom very rarely, like once a week, worry not it's not a habit, I just need to get SOME movement going lol) and guess what...NOTHING HAPPENNED! So I'm mighty angry about that, so tonight I'm going to take TWO, let's see how my stupid body likes that! HA!

Well I'd best love you and leave you, been mighty tired these past few days, also have two HUMUNGOUS bites on my arm and wrist that are so itchy and are getting worse by the day :( So I think a good rest will do me good, I'm making sure I go to the gym tomo, it's a 400cal day so It's kinda necessary :P

Love you all, and keep strong!

Mantra for the day: I want to fly, just like a butterfly.

UPDATE: Ohh seeing as I know I'm just around the corner from being obese to overweight, I thought hey my next goal might as well be from overweight to normal weight...so I just found out to hit normal I need to be 159.64 pounds! Just shows how fat I am, that I still have to lose 34.96 pounds to be normal! Jeez I've so far to go, but you know what I'm feeling ok, I know that I can reach this within two months, so by November I should be looking pretty good :) then it's only 24 pounds to my goal, would love to reach that for xmas, so now I have my first and second goal and dates to reach them by! Roll on November! :D

ABC is easy peasy!

Hello lovelies, and yet another great day for me! I stuck to my 200 cal, with a nice salad with plain chicken, took my pills and had such a manic crazy day at work I'm sure I burned off a fair few cals too. BOY my body is aching after yesterday, that workout has really got my muscles burning! Oh and good news, I awoke to find myself back as the same weight before yesterdays blip lol, back to 196.4 exactly, how weird is that! Don't think I'll make my 190lbs goal this monday :( but the closer I get the happier I'll be. Not much to report today, so I'll leave this post nice and short, good luck everyone, I'm there for you all!

Mantra for the day: A moment on the lips... a lifetime on the hips!

Gutted!

This morning I awoke to a heavier me! Two pounds heavier! I don't know what happenned, I stuck to 400 cal, I am so gutted! So my day was quite a drag, and I wanted to binge, so so badly. Ana came to the rescue, phew! She reminded me of how fat I was, and how I even put on weight eating 300cal, so the least I could do was workout harder and eat less! Guess what, I did! I ate 94 cals (close enough I think) and was given a new workout by my gym instructor. It is alot of free weights, which is good I don't want to be losing muscle, just fat! my body is killing me, even though I've only burned 540 cals. Every little helps! If I don't get back to 196 tomorrow I will be devestated! Maybe my scales were glitchy I don't know, but I know one thing for sure. The weight gain, real or not, has given me even more motivation. I can see changes in my body more so this week than any other. Oh and I was good for energy today, didn'f forget to take my green tea pills, and I'm taking multivitamins too.

Yesterday I looked in the mirror and I was a funny colour, a pasty white/green, ew! So vitamins is needed, thanks to the good advice of Steph (thanks hun) I was close to fainting on the cross trainer today, but I didn't stop until my time was up! Sweat was pouring down my face, my chest was tight, my breathing crazy, my heart rate at 170bpm, and my legs were jelly, somehow Amazing Ana kept me going.

Where would we be without her?

Mantra for the day: Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

Good luck my lovelies, don't give in :)

Naked/Nude Thinspo *warning they ARE naked*

A Third of the way! nearly :P

WOW what another brilliant day! Guess how excited I was to see I'd reached my weeks goal already! 14 stone and dropping! Ok I still feel mega fat, obese and horrible, but I can see improvements every day, it just gets me so excited! So I'm nearly a third of the way to my first goal already, it's day 4 of the Abc diet, and I've stuck to it exactly. So proud of my self control (or rather ana's) and my determination. I've a new goal of 190lbs for monday now, hope I make it! I feel bad for only one reason, I forgot to take my green tea pills today, and had a mega energy lapse even though I had sushi for breakfast (260 cal) Could hardly concentrate at work, and devoured my salad (140cal) like a mad woman. So as I felt so weak (I think mostly due to my period, yuk!) I haven't gone to the gym today. I promise to do some crunches tonight so I'm not totally devoid of exercise. Best not forget to take them tomorrow, my gym instructor is giving me a new routine! Ooo exciting, I love being given goals to smash!

Hope everyone's feeling positive! If you've had a bad day, just remember there's always tomorrow!

Mantra for the day : Light as a feather, thin as a rail.

Ana's inspiration

'Oh Jasmine, you are doing so well.'

'Wow, Ana never gives compliments, I must be doing great!'

'Don't get carried away, you can still do so much more! Work out harder, eat less fat, don't sit down, keep moving. You're still obese! Fat and ugly!'rr

'I know, I'm trying Ana, I'm so so trying'

'I know you are, but don't give up now, you have so much more work ahead of you. Don't worry I'll be here every step of the way'

'Thank you Ana, please don't leave me again'

'I didn't leave you...you left me remember'

'I know, I'm sorry. Ana I love you'

'I love you too dear, just keep at it and you'll be beautiful one day'

Urgh I hate eating!

Ok so far so good! Work up this morning to find out I'd only lost 0.8lbs...was really gutted! I want to lost AT THE VERY LEAST 1 pound per day...but a few hours later guess what! I came on my period haha, I don't think I've ever been so happy to be on before. Soooo even with being all bloated and horrible I am losing weight! Oh I can just taste being thin! All I've had so far (says I who feels stuffed and uncomfortable) is a stirfry with cod (126cal) and a skinny cow choc drink (37cal) don't know how I'm going to make the rest up. Really don't want to eat anymore, finding it harder and harder to eat, but I'm doing it only to stick to the abc diet, sigh. Showed my bf today pics of what I want to look like, he said one looked ill lol. I said she's no different to a pornstar you showed me yesterday, he laughed and agreed! So ribcage here I come!!!!

Oh yeah, in a little while I'm off to the gym, and to go to my new running club. Hope it all goes well. Managed to do a few crunches last night!! Whoo hoo! Want to do some every night now. Hope my lovely Steph is having a good day.

My mantra for the day is :I will be thin, I will be slim, I will be beautiful!

UPDATE
WOW I'm mega chuffed! Ok was totally crap at running club, I turned away and ran back to the gym lol, after 5 mins!!! BUT I realized how unfit I was, and Ana told me off. So when I got back to the gym I worked harder than ever before! The trainer ran back to find me sweating my arse off on the elliptical, she dragged me off running just the two of us. I came back and worked out even more! 2 Hrs and guess what lovelies! I BURNED 750CAL! Far more than usual! I ate a weight watchers pud of 160 cals (threw a bit away too!) so I'm basically spot on for my 300cal today.

In all honesty, life right now couldn't be better. So long as my Steph is ok, I'm over the moon!
Keep strong beautiful people!