Lasted 90hrs

til I stuffed my face as usual! Awoke at the grand weight of 184.8...now I'm going to bed i'm 186.8...2lbs heavier! Urgh, i hope I lose a pound tonight! Wish I could go without food forever. I can't bear to write anymore, I've gone from being ecstatic to miserable. Hopefully I will have better news tomorrow

Day three of Ana fast

Sorry didn't blog yesterday, internet troubles. But I have good news, I am still fasting! Whoo hoo. I will start with yesterday.

I had extreme hunger throughout alot of the day, but I was so angry with food, that the thought of eating it made me feel ill. I had such hunger thoughout the night I couldn't sleep until 2 am, but I didn't let it stop me! My intake was:

1 Diet coke (1cal)
3 Coffees 1/4teaspoon sugar (12 cal)
Water (0cal)
= 13 cal

Swimming 40mins non-stop -480 cal

Calorie Deficit = -467cals

Today I woke up hungry...VERY hungry, but I was determined to go into ketosis...which I am now in...FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE!!! I chewed a piece of gum (petrified about calories, checking sites to find out how much carb/cal it had!) it thankfully made cravings go away. Survived the day on much more coffee and diet coke...starting to worry about diet coke now, many sites believe it can lead to obesity! So I may knock it on the head once my bottle is finished. Was very weak at the gym today, didn't manage to go to spinning class, or to finish my weigh training, I could hardly lift the weights! Urgh it feels so pathetic, esp after my workout on tuesday! So this is my day

Diet coke x2 (2cal)
Coffee x4 1/4teaspoon sugar (16cal)
Water (o cal)
1 piece gun (2cal)
= 20cal (seems farrrr too much!!!)

Workout weights + cardio -343cal

calorie deficit = -323cal

My scales this morning said 186 (which I was NOT happy with but hey) but now, this evening say 187!!! Of which after all my starving i am sooo angry about! This is just not right! I will try no to judge this until morning weigh, but so far I am NOT happy!

Hope you are all staying strong, and remember Ana and I love you xxx

Caution...bad language!!!

This is a letter to Eddie (Ednos)


Ed, I HATE you, you are the bane of my life. Would you just die and leave us all alone. I do not even believe it is Mia who makes us binge...it is YOU. The compulive eating habits are you fault, tricking us, making us feel secure. Letting us believe it is ok to eat, to have more, one more slice, open that cupboard see what is inside. You are a bastard and I will kill you from my life, starve you from ever existing. What you have done to me, Steph and countless others is beyind forgivable. You are the sin of gluttony and greed. You trick us into believing it's ok, BUT IT's NOT you FUCK!
You will never stop us, you will not make us fatter, for Mia is there when you do trick us, and when we are strong Ana is there to guide us further away from you. When will you just piss off and realise our tools are stronger than you, our will and control greater. We have so many ways to fight you, you cock! We can take pills, purge, restrict, fast, c/s, workout... You will NEVER take us away from our goal, our desire to feel and see our bones. To be happy looking in the mirror. You will NEVER make us give up hope, though yuo may try, we will always be victorious, because Ana is stronger than you will ever be.

You are just a worthless Fat old Bastard, who likes to see others in pain. Telling them it's comfort eating! HA! There is no comfort in being fat, only thin. There is no joy in eating, just despair. We know you tricks and you will not trick us anymore.

You will die by my hand you cock sucker, I will make sure of it!

Trainspotting

I watched trainspotting today, I found it inspiring. I saw myself as a smack addict (just replace food with smack) and realised that I just need to go through one hard cold turkey to get back to normal. It has been a fantastic day, that bastard Eddie has not reared his head, and all I have had is Ana...sweet blissful Ana, speaking words of encouragement to me all day.

I have stuck to my plan, today i have ingested:
Diet coke 1 cal
Water 0 cal
Coffee (1/4 teaspoon sugar) 4 cal
=5 cal

I have burned:
Weight training (30min) -355cal
Cardio (30 min) -252cal
Circuit training (1hr) -1107cal
= (2hrs) -1714cal

Making a defeceit of -1709cal

Tomorrow I will go swimming, go to running club and do my usual workout.

I threw away a few portions of soup this morning, so my parents think I ate, oh and a salad which I know I wont eat. It felt awful throwing food away, but I'd rather that then my mum realise I'm not eating! Or heaven forbid, me eat it! Cause I do NOT want to eat. I want no solids, the smell of the soup made me feel ill, funny seeing as yesterday it smelled and tasted divine. But the thought of food right now, is just horrific.

So now I am in bed, and for some strange reason I weigh more than this morning...189.4! BUT I will not judge this until I see morning's weigh, let my liquids absorb, sweat and be peed out first :)

So roll on tomorrow, I have NO hunger (thank Ana) and I'm feeling positive for a brand new, lighter, day!

Keep strong beautiful people! xxx

2 Half pound gain!!!

I'm sorry to you all, I disgust myself, I deserve to be this fat and to have gained. So today I am not eating, no food shall pass my lips. I know my trigger now, it's the same every time. Being downstairs...near the bloody kitchen, especially on my own. So from now on I will stay in my room like I used to. Reading and looking at thinspo, chatting to friends, doing ANYTHING but go down to the hell room. Why on earth do my parents LOVE the kitchen so much? It is our social room, they are always in there, we NEVER use the living room, no wonder we're all fat!

Urgh! I feel so goddamn SICK of food, I hate it, and it pettrifies me. I KNOW eating it will make me gain, why do I touch it. No more, I swear to God I will fast for as long as possible, I'm going to throw out all my food, I'll keep one soup for appearances sake, and in case I am so shit I need to eat. So no solids shall pass my lips, I will allow just a few things past them.

Coffee (black, no sugar)
Diet/Zero coke (1/0 cal)
Green Tea (1 cal)
Gum (under 3cal)

That is it, I do not deserve anything else, i do not want anything else. In fact anything else disgusts me, even my pure veg soup! So I'm going to surf thinspo for a while, go down do my 2/3 hrs ironing, then go to the gym to burn at least 1000 cal.

188...how on earth did I let myself get here again!

FAT DISGUTING PIG!

Urgh I just had a massive binge, I feel so fat, heavy and disgusting, I can't even purge cause my parents are up, and my mum has heard me twice this past week already. No wonder I'm such a fatty, I can't even stick to my soup. I am so ashamed and disgusted with myself, how am I expected to lose weight when I eat, toast, pizza, toffee pudding, biscuit...

Arghh, it all adds up to about 1100cal :(

I'm so nasty, I'm so sorry. Why do I do this, food is the enemy, it NEVER makes you feel better, only worse...and yet there I go sneaking food into my fat gut. I'm just going to cry myself to sleep tonight and pray to god i don't gain much!

From Water Fast to Veg soup Diet

hello lovelies, hope you're all having a super skinny day! I realized my binge last night was a warning...I can't fast, ok I can fast for a day, but my stupid eddie head won't leave me alone. My mind was reeling all last night and this morning. Stephanie was so lovely, she was fine that I'm not fasting with her, I think she's amazing to do so for a week...I just KNOW that if I joined her, it's end up in a week of binge/purge... I stopped it, to prevent a failing and I'm doing something more managable :D

SO I decided to try something else :) a soup diet, I made two yummy soups today, both different so I can't get too bored. One is a mix veg and cabbage soup all chunky and clear, the other is a spicy red pepper soup (which is OUT OF THIS WORLD!) Both low cal, low carb, full of goodness, no crap going inside this fat body this week! No Sir! Hehe, kind of looking forward to seeing what loss I make. Only had one bowl today, couldn't face anymore, not after tasting whilst cooking!

Literally just had another detox bath, god they kill me. But hot and cold both raise metabolism, so it's all good :) Had todays one with ginger, epsom salts and baking soda. Wondering if I make a loss from it...well more HOPING than wondering hehe.

I have 27days to lose 24 pounds...that is around the date I think I will see my ex boyfriend, and boy do I want to look good for that, hehe. But it is very achievable, I will then be 161lbs...stuff it, lets go for 159lbs hehe why not! 27 days, 26lbs...fingers crossed!

Mantra for the day: Water is a girl's best friend

Photo test

It's been a long time since I've posted pics, so I thought I would put my first and ones from today next to each other, just to see if there's any difference. If you have a weak disposition, please turnaway now, I am disgustingly fat! If you do see any difference, please let me know, i'd love to hear from you all xxx I can't see a difference, I see just FAT! I actually think I look fatter! :(


Before 205lbs and Today 187lbs



Before 205lbs and Today 187lbs

Update

I have had a detox bath, anyone that has not had one I advise HAVE ONE NOW! There are many types, the best I have read up about are ginger baths, and epsom salt baths. I had neither, so I had a sea salt, bath salt and lavender oil bath, VERY HOT. Stay in it for 40mins, after about 15-20 you should really start to sweat, if not make it hotter. Your skin is like another liver, so it expels water and waste. Fomr sweating you can get rid of impurities and toxins through sweating. So I did, man I nearly fainted by the 15min mark, but stayed in with my will to please Ana, who would have tormented me had I left early. I really though I was going to pass out and drown lol, but hey any pain is worth it huh!

So after my bath I reweighed and guess what! I was 196.2!!! I lost a pound, and I'm not worried either as my pee was still clear so I am hydrated still. I was so so happy...until...

I BINGED! Urgh I'm such a fat pig! I had pitta, tomato, mustard and ham. That would have been fine until my stupid ed brain tells me...eat more, eat more...it's your last day, go on, eat more :( so I did. I had fries and scampi with tartare sauce, and a digestive biscuit. I could feel my stomach stretching over so much stupid food.

MIA TO THE RESCUE!!! She was so so kind! It came up practically automatically, i hardly had to try. It even looked like more than I ate! Oh thank you Mia, without you to be there when I fall how would I ever succeed? It was so easy! I felt so so much lighter after it, and all I wanted was water, It made me think, why on earth did I want food in the first place? It's my stupid brain that wants it, not my body! But I DON'T want it, I hate how ed plays tricks on me, making me do things I don't want to. All because I'm downstairs alone in the house, the kitchen next door. Knowing my parents won't see me eating, I don't like people seeing me eat anymore. Especially binge! I just had my nightime weigh, and i'm 197, same as this morning, so I've been lucky I suppose, even though I saw the 6's today :( I'm hoping I lose over night.

Took more lax, just to be cleaner for my fast, and will have a ginger and epsom salt bath tomorrow.

Hope you're all well beautiful butterflies xxx

So far, so good, getting excited!!!

Hello beautiful wintergirls, as you can see I'm still feeling pretty upbeat and happy! Last night I took some lax, and this morning I weighed 187! I'd gone to bed at a whopping 191! So I have cleansed myself just a fair bit for tomorrow's fast.

Took my dad to the gym today, he loved it :) We had a great time, and we really pushed one another beyond out normal limits! I pushed 80 kg on the leg press!!! Hehe, feeling happy. I'm preparing myself a detox bath of Sea salt, bath salts and lavender oil. I wanted Epsom salts too but the shops are shut. Hoping to feel myself sweat out lots of impurities and toxins, it a body this fat I must have tonnes lol. I'm sure my water fast will get rid of lots too...

I soooo can't wait to be thin and beautiful, to be pure inside and out. I have 28days to lose 28lbs, I'm meeting my ex boyfriend and I want to look good (well better than I am lol) to just show him what he's missing, hehe am I cruel? I hope I do it, hopefully I can lose at least 10lbs next week, then I won't feel so much pressure 21 days to lose 18lbs...well there's still alot of pressure lol.

Hey ho, I'm feeling toooo good to let it get me down. I've been bad in that I've not eaten every few hours, but I ate good today. I had my actimel tummy drink for breakfast and a black coffee. Then went to the gym for 2 and a half hrs with dad, drank my protein drink in the car. I had a stir fry with Brocolli, bok choi, sweet pea, green beans, garlic, chilli and prawns (200 cal) could only eat half though, so the rest is in the fridge. I had a choc petite filous too (55cal) So everything in total so far is 300cal :)

Might have a glass of mixed fruit juice later, just to top up my nutrients for the next 7 days, then that's it...I'm ready and prepared!

Mantra for the day: With determination, anything is possible

Ana's words

For fuck sake Jasmine, you have lost fuck all. What the hell is wrong with you? Do you want to gain and be a fat fuck all your life? Why don't you stop eating all together! You don't NEED food, look at you! You're body alone has so much fat, you don't need to eat at ALL! You need more exercise, you don't stretch, do yoga, you're so fat your not even flexible anymore. Why don't you run home from work? Why don't you get up early and run BEFORE work? Why aren't you doing sit ups before bed? You are fat and disgusting, you wonder why you're alone and unloved. It's cause your FAT, so fat, that men can't stand to look at you. You get naked and they feel sick to thier stomach, no matter HOW nice they are they can't handle looking at you anymore. You are a disgusting fucking disgrace. Sort yourself out! So it's all your fault, only YOU an change this, and you only have to do one simple fucking thing, LOSE WEIGHT! It's not that hard! Look at how many skinny beautiful girls live here, and then look at you. Obese, rolls of fat, cellulite, dimples, stretch marks, sagging arms, hanging belly...who the FUCK would want you?!?! NOBODY! So get your goddamn act together and get with the program. LOSE THE WEIGHT OR BE MISERABLE FOREVER, miserable and FAT!


Thanks Ana...I needed that, you always know what to say.

Just fucking do it will you, I'm losing my patience!

same weight

Kind of a relief to not have gained, so hope it's working. Got out of work late, so only got 20mins at the gym. Did some weights, only burned 276cals, but it's better than nothing i suppose. Ate a total of 670cal today, all this food is making me feel ill! I hate it, urgh, don't want to eat! One day to go...then i'm food free!!! YAY! Night weigh is 198.6 :( Hope I lose that pound tonight!

Dreaded Plateau of Despair

Hehe, that sounded a bit drastic huh! Well, my weight loss is slowing, and more to my despair Steph's has stopped! Stupid plateau has caught up with us, soooo the plan!

Increase Metabolic Rate Emergency Plan!!!
1)Eat Breakfast!!!
2)Have AT LEAST 300 cal a day
3)Eat something every 3 hrs, no matter how small!
4)Drink a cup of green tea for every meal
5)Eat ONLY neg cal foods, turkey, yogurt, oatmeal and tuna/sardines/salmon (all Metabolism boosting foods)
6)Drink plenty of water (as usual lol)
7)Mix up exercise programme, do different classes, do more weights to increase basal metabolic rate, increase timings of aerobic exercises.
8)Take any supplements (myself...adios x2, allix2, green tea pillsx2, vitamin Bx2) everyday
9)Drink whey protein after every workout.
10)Get at least 8hrs sleep
11)Fidget as much as possible, try not to stand/sit still ever
12)DO NOT CALL ON MIA IF YOU HAVE EATEN/BINGED! (Sorry Mia, will miss you xxx)

So this is the plan for the next few days to get out metabolism back up to scratch, then we will shock the hell out of it by going on a 7day Water fast, hehe see how you like THAT crappy metabolism :)

Well today was a success, I have eaten FAR more calories than recently (785cal!!!) .YES it was very very scary and hard to eat so much so often, BUT I keep reminding myself over and over this is 3 days...I know I may gain, but I know I can lose much faster once my Met is up! I'm petrified to go on the scales, i usually check them about 3 or 4 times a day...now I'm scared to go on them for the second time, I will try to leave it for the morning in the hope I will have lost some of what I have eaten. My control is the best it has ever been, so I am not scared of binging (so far, please Ed don't visit me!)

Will keep you all posted of course on the results...I am (upsettingly) expecting a few pounds gain...but I know the water fast will destroy it :)

KEEP STRONG BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE! XXX

EWWWW!

I just found out I'm STILL OBESE!!!! Ok, so the BMI says that I am overweight but this is just taking weight into consideration, not BODY FAT...so I wanted to see what a normal level was for a woman (over 18...under 18 is different to all you youngsters out there)

I found this chart.

Female 18-79 years


I'm 27 with a body fat percentage of 45%!!!! I'm clinically OBESE! I should die with how fat I am, I just make myself sick. So to be just 'normal' I have to be at the most 35%...which still seems far too high, but that is my first goal.

Urgh, I'm disgusting!

SUPER UPDATE!!!

Hello beauties, sorry i've been gone so long...lots to tell you all I'll start with the bad and end with the good.

BINGEY TIME...yes it got me again big time, so much for my super water fast lol, I suppose the thought of NO FOOD scared my body into cramming as much as possible into it's mouth. I gained all the way back up to a whopping 198.8!!!! Disgusting I know, please we won't mention this number ever ever again and why?!? I hear you ask well it's because...

ANA and MIA have taken me so snugly into thier bony caress!

I couldn't face wrirint on here again until I'd lost my initial weight gain...writing your failures can have a detrimental effect i've seen, so I was determined to show you all some good news. Today is the 7th day of Steph and I being back on the good old abc diet! Oh am I so happy to have structure back in my life, but even abc seems too high in cals for us, so we have decided to do an abc or less diet :D

My weight now I hear you ask??? (unless of course you looked up at the little butterfly hehe) it's finally out of those god for saken 90's and is 189lbs! I'm hoping to be in the 70's next week. So I have lost 10lbs this past week and feel great for it.

Mia:
My dad tried to make me eat yesterday, but then he went to his study upstairs, while Mia and I got rid of it all in the downstairs loo, whoo hoo! Still managed to lose 2 lbs last night! Mia has been very kind to me, she has blessed me with her presence twice this week, usually she never comes to see me, but I think she see's how hard I'm trying...she only seems to come when I HAVEN'T binged lol, typical, but hey you gotta love her!

Ana:
She has been so lovely to me this past week, she has motivated me, and given me key goals. Made me feel ill by looking at food, and has literally given me the flu I believe as a present to burn more calories and to inhibit hunger! Today she spoke kindly to me as I looked down at my bowl of food, and I RAN to the bin to throw most of it away, a few mouthfuls were more than enough she has taught me. She has changed my goals, and has given me more motivation at the gym, I am swimming and doing classes more, to burn away as much as possible. May she NEVER leave my side.
My goal has now leaned from 135 to 130lbs hehe, steph's is now 125lbs :D I realised today whilst walking home from the shops (worry not I only bought yogurt for myself!) that if I only lost 1lb a day, I'd be my goal weight in less than two months...yes TWO MONTHS!!! How amazing is that, also at the moment I'm losing between 1-2lbs a day, so I may see a slimmer me in a much faster time!

Exercise has been good, gym/swim 3-4 times a week, running club and a class, know I should do more than that but...I will admit to being lazy.

So that is my update, from now on you will keep getting regular posts I promise, for I will not fall back into that horrible food hall again, the thoght sickens me. Thanks for reading, hope all is well with you!!!

Mantra for the day: If it won't make you fit, then you'd better be sick (for all the mia girls out there)

Been slack, Been Crap...NO MORE It's Ana-time!

Eddie (ednos) was tricky and convinced me i had control over my eating...that abc wasn't working and that I could do it all on my own, I hate him. But he has taught me a lesson I will never forget, I NEED Ana, there is no way I can do this without her. She is my only way, my light beautiful future is with her. So I am making a pledge to her now.

I, Jasmine hereby swear to fast, and to fast only with water and Ice for 14 days. I will exercise everyday, if weak a 30 min walk will suffice, but no excuses are to be made. Food will not pass my lips and I will count each day as a step back into Ana's arms. I swear to keep this promise, if forced to drink of eat by others, I will add an extra two days onto my fast and will workout and extra 30mins the next day.

After my fast I will decide whether to carry on witht the water fast, or switch to a juice fast. I will be beautiful inside and out. Steph is joining me on this vow, our vow to Ana, our pledge to her, and our begging of forgiveness to think we could go it alone.

We All love You Ana.

Why does sadness bring about eating!

Not heard from my bf is 3 days, until...just now! Well I don't trust him, and so have gone from feeling terribly worried to utterly lonely, tears are creeping into my eyes. My worry made me eat 300cals today not 150 :( I did burn 933 at the gym, so all is not too bad. But now I feel so bad I feel that the razor blade may make another appearance tonight. Why am I so weak when it comes to men? I want to give them my heart, my soul, my everything...but no on wants me, I am ugly, fat and disgusting. Even if I'm beautiful and pure within, no one can see it through the repulsive sight of me. So yes, I am going to cling on to Ana with every stength of my being, only she will bea able to give me a chance on day of being loved. Of not being alone, fat and depressed like I have been my whole life.

I feel worthless, most probably because I am...

Oh and i'm still fat at 193lbs, of course did I expect anything else?

Update: I think I should tell you all that not only do I suffer from ed, but I also have Borederline Personlity Disorder, with extreme bouts of depression, anxiety and feelings of rejection, that may help you understand me and my mood swings more.

That blissful empty feeling

Ahh, abc seems to wrong now after two days fasting...well I was a bit naughty, a diet coke and three olives (one chewed and spat) haha. But that was more than satisfactory for me! Who needs food anyway?! Not me that's for sure, after all I've enough of the stuff stored on me haha, I probably could go without food for 6 months :P Mmm what a tantilising thought *daydreams of waterfalls and a foodless world*

Ok back to reality, was bad in the sense of no gym, but I WILL be going tomo, so worry not my lovely girlies I AM still on a mission to get this fat girl thin. Ana has been so kind to me today, I've not had any nausea like yesterday, been great for energy, a few hunger thoughts but her and Steph kept me well away :) Seeing through Ana's eyes is oh so beautiful, I see thin people and obese people and I know who I want to be. Every day I hold tiny (uk sizes) size 4, 6, 8 dresses all designer and gorgeous, I place them next to me and man is thaat thinspiration! I tell the woman I work with I'm going to fit in this soon, and I so so will!

My optimism is still going good as you can see, I think seeing scales drop every day is always a bonus, was thinking even with my weight gain from my naughty binge, my body fat didn't go up, so hopefully it all went to building muscle, well fingers crossed!

So tomo it's back to abc, on a 150cal day, seems so much now, but I'm sure I won't feel too bad, my fridge is full of salad haha, and I still can't stand the though of throwing it away, but it's good for me, wish I was a rabbit :D nahh, I just want to be Angelina Jolie, ahh my idol! So this morning I weighed in at 193 and now I am 192.6 haha, 0.4 drop but hey I've not slept yet, how exciting! So let us see what the morning scales bring on! Man it's going to be hard to eat tomorrow, sigh.

THANK YOU ANA FOR COMING BACK TO ME, I DON'T DESERVE YOU!!!!

Mantra for the day: Chips and scones will hide my bones, But grapes will never hurt me!

Fatty on a mission!

Hey everyone, well today has been great on the lose weight now front, personal life not so good, but I'm gonna cling to this good feeling with both hands! Especially after finding out I weighed 194 this morning! That's a 2.2lb gain, yuk! Ok to start you all off my fast so far (it's about 7.45pm) has been great! The only thing to have touched my lips bar water has been...toothpaste! Haha, got you there! So no cals for me thank you very much.

But it gets better folks! I scrubbed an old ladies house for 3 hrs (cals burned unknown), then my mission really began. I went swimming and burned over 600 cal, then went straight to the gym and burned over 500 cal, so lovelies today I burned 1174 cal says the gym's magic computer!

On a different front, I went to the steam room before the gym, and the steam got rid of all of my horrible stubborn blackheads that have clung to my nose for as long as I can remember! So YES I will be going swimming more lol. Oh I picked up some whey protein too, worry not I've not had any yet, the scary 100 cal from each portion has stopped me. But It will be nice taking this instead of havibng to eat, and I know I'll be getting lots of protein for building lovely muscles!

Ahh, kind of tired now, so bed slouchy time for me. Felt faint a fair few times today, also felt like I was going to throw up (not that I had anythhing to throw up of course) but I fought through it, even with naughty mia in my ear saying;

'Well you could eat you know...you feel sick already so it will come up soo easily! Go on, you don't want to faint do you!'

I replied with a sharp

'SHUT UP MIA'

She did just that haha, I never realised how easy it was to shut her up before, I think I hurt her feelings :P

Todays Mantra: Burger and fries or skinny thighs?

2.2lbs gain!!!

It just proves that I can't eat like 'normal people' if you can call them tht anyway, I'm starting to see that the majority of the propultion could use ana as they're all fat too. But I am just gutted that i'm 194 again! I feel like I'm going backwards, but that's it, steph and I are putting our heads down and are having a two day fast instead of one, just to kick start us again and get us all motivated. If we ever want to reach our goals in time we have to at least be losing between 1 and 2 pounds a night. Well i'll update you all tonight, hopefully I've kept my fat mouth shut :D

I'm sorry to every last one of you

I'm sorry for not posting yesterday, my day went well but I left my charger at my mates house, when It came down to writing my blog my comp died. I also got really upset, thankfully Steph and my bf both perked me up (Steph more of course, guys just can't do support as well hehe) Well I think this all really effected me today, from the moment i woke up I have been on some crazy carb binge! I've had pasta, a teaspoon of bread and butter pudding (which I chew and spat out), toast, toast and more damn toast! Like 6 slices all together, I just want to cry. I've probably eaten 1000 calories, I don't deserve to live eating like such a fat greedy disgusting pig.

Why couldn't I have just walked away? I feel like fasting for a week now. I feel too ashamed to post pics, really i feel too ashamed to talk to any of you, as I know how hard you are all working. I'm just pathetic, but I swear that I will not binge again until the end of abc! I can't, how will I ever reach perfection haha perfection, how will i ever be NORMAL weight let alone obese :(

So again I apologise to you all, ana is chastising me at every minute and I deserve every word.

Hello my pretty butterflies!

Today has been a strange one, I was meant to go on a picnic, so i took all precautions and packed my lunch beforehand, not trusting nearby shops of course! But alas the weather was rotten spoiling all plans so we went...TO THE PUB! EEK! But you'll be glad to know I was good! I drank three gin and slimline tonics 168 cals :) i shared a ricecake with marmite 16 cals for half. When I got home the dreaded alcohol made me soooooo hungry. I don't mean just grumbly belly, I mean parched mouth, grumbling stomach, mind STUCK on food, proper 'binge time' came. I was so worried I would binge, but I was chatting to steph, she inspired me beyond belief!

Today she managed to go to a donut shop with family and NOT EAT A THING...then guess where she was going after our convo? A blimmin cheesecake place! OMG she has such strong willpower! I calculated how many cals I had left and stuck to them...well I had 301 all together lol, but whose counting ;) so a beetroot salad, some melba toast, a slice of chicken and a 20cal cheese triangle I was done (you see it was technically a big binge BUT I kept it all in cal budget, so I'm mighty chuffed!)

OOo found out that I need to be 191.5 pounds exactly to stop being OBESE! So not long to go :) I would have loved to have reached it for tomo's weigh day, but I pretty much doubt that will happen! Oh and here's a strange thing, I took a lax pill last night (I go to the bathroom very rarely, like once a week, worry not it's not a habit, I just need to get SOME movement going lol) and guess what...NOTHING HAPPENNED! So I'm mighty angry about that, so tonight I'm going to take TWO, let's see how my stupid body likes that! HA!

Well I'd best love you and leave you, been mighty tired these past few days, also have two HUMUNGOUS bites on my arm and wrist that are so itchy and are getting worse by the day :( So I think a good rest will do me good, I'm making sure I go to the gym tomo, it's a 400cal day so It's kinda necessary :P

Love you all, and keep strong!

Mantra for the day: I want to fly, just like a butterfly.

UPDATE: Ohh seeing as I know I'm just around the corner from being obese to overweight, I thought hey my next goal might as well be from overweight to normal weight...so I just found out to hit normal I need to be 159.64 pounds! Just shows how fat I am, that I still have to lose 34.96 pounds to be normal! Jeez I've so far to go, but you know what I'm feeling ok, I know that I can reach this within two months, so by November I should be looking pretty good :) then it's only 24 pounds to my goal, would love to reach that for xmas, so now I have my first and second goal and dates to reach them by! Roll on November! :D

ABC is easy peasy!

Hello lovelies, and yet another great day for me! I stuck to my 200 cal, with a nice salad with plain chicken, took my pills and had such a manic crazy day at work I'm sure I burned off a fair few cals too. BOY my body is aching after yesterday, that workout has really got my muscles burning! Oh and good news, I awoke to find myself back as the same weight before yesterdays blip lol, back to 196.4 exactly, how weird is that! Don't think I'll make my 190lbs goal this monday :( but the closer I get the happier I'll be. Not much to report today, so I'll leave this post nice and short, good luck everyone, I'm there for you all!

Mantra for the day: A moment on the lips... a lifetime on the hips!

Gutted!

This morning I awoke to a heavier me! Two pounds heavier! I don't know what happenned, I stuck to 400 cal, I am so gutted! So my day was quite a drag, and I wanted to binge, so so badly. Ana came to the rescue, phew! She reminded me of how fat I was, and how I even put on weight eating 300cal, so the least I could do was workout harder and eat less! Guess what, I did! I ate 94 cals (close enough I think) and was given a new workout by my gym instructor. It is alot of free weights, which is good I don't want to be losing muscle, just fat! my body is killing me, even though I've only burned 540 cals. Every little helps! If I don't get back to 196 tomorrow I will be devestated! Maybe my scales were glitchy I don't know, but I know one thing for sure. The weight gain, real or not, has given me even more motivation. I can see changes in my body more so this week than any other. Oh and I was good for energy today, didn'f forget to take my green tea pills, and I'm taking multivitamins too.

Yesterday I looked in the mirror and I was a funny colour, a pasty white/green, ew! So vitamins is needed, thanks to the good advice of Steph (thanks hun) I was close to fainting on the cross trainer today, but I didn't stop until my time was up! Sweat was pouring down my face, my chest was tight, my breathing crazy, my heart rate at 170bpm, and my legs were jelly, somehow Amazing Ana kept me going.

Where would we be without her?

Mantra for the day: Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

Good luck my lovelies, don't give in :)

Naked/Nude Thinspo *warning they ARE naked*

A Third of the way! nearly :P

WOW what another brilliant day! Guess how excited I was to see I'd reached my weeks goal already! 14 stone and dropping! Ok I still feel mega fat, obese and horrible, but I can see improvements every day, it just gets me so excited! So I'm nearly a third of the way to my first goal already, it's day 4 of the Abc diet, and I've stuck to it exactly. So proud of my self control (or rather ana's) and my determination. I've a new goal of 190lbs for monday now, hope I make it! I feel bad for only one reason, I forgot to take my green tea pills today, and had a mega energy lapse even though I had sushi for breakfast (260 cal) Could hardly concentrate at work, and devoured my salad (140cal) like a mad woman. So as I felt so weak (I think mostly due to my period, yuk!) I haven't gone to the gym today. I promise to do some crunches tonight so I'm not totally devoid of exercise. Best not forget to take them tomorrow, my gym instructor is giving me a new routine! Ooo exciting, I love being given goals to smash!

Hope everyone's feeling positive! If you've had a bad day, just remember there's always tomorrow!

Mantra for the day : Light as a feather, thin as a rail.

Ana's inspiration

'Oh Jasmine, you are doing so well.'

'Wow, Ana never gives compliments, I must be doing great!'

'Don't get carried away, you can still do so much more! Work out harder, eat less fat, don't sit down, keep moving. You're still obese! Fat and ugly!'rr

'I know, I'm trying Ana, I'm so so trying'

'I know you are, but don't give up now, you have so much more work ahead of you. Don't worry I'll be here every step of the way'

'Thank you Ana, please don't leave me again'

'I didn't leave you...you left me remember'

'I know, I'm sorry. Ana I love you'

'I love you too dear, just keep at it and you'll be beautiful one day'

Urgh I hate eating!

Ok so far so good! Work up this morning to find out I'd only lost 0.8lbs...was really gutted! I want to lost AT THE VERY LEAST 1 pound per day...but a few hours later guess what! I came on my period haha, I don't think I've ever been so happy to be on before. Soooo even with being all bloated and horrible I am losing weight! Oh I can just taste being thin! All I've had so far (says I who feels stuffed and uncomfortable) is a stirfry with cod (126cal) and a skinny cow choc drink (37cal) don't know how I'm going to make the rest up. Really don't want to eat anymore, finding it harder and harder to eat, but I'm doing it only to stick to the abc diet, sigh. Showed my bf today pics of what I want to look like, he said one looked ill lol. I said she's no different to a pornstar you showed me yesterday, he laughed and agreed! So ribcage here I come!!!!

Oh yeah, in a little while I'm off to the gym, and to go to my new running club. Hope it all goes well. Managed to do a few crunches last night!! Whoo hoo! Want to do some every night now. Hope my lovely Steph is having a good day.

My mantra for the day is :I will be thin, I will be slim, I will be beautiful!

UPDATE
WOW I'm mega chuffed! Ok was totally crap at running club, I turned away and ran back to the gym lol, after 5 mins!!! BUT I realized how unfit I was, and Ana told me off. So when I got back to the gym I worked harder than ever before! The trainer ran back to find me sweating my arse off on the elliptical, she dragged me off running just the two of us. I came back and worked out even more! 2 Hrs and guess what lovelies! I BURNED 750CAL! Far more than usual! I ate a weight watchers pud of 160 cals (threw a bit away too!) so I'm basically spot on for my 300cal today.

In all honesty, life right now couldn't be better. So long as my Steph is ok, I'm over the moon!
Keep strong beautiful people!

ABC day 2: Looking good!

Ahh what another fabulous day! I woke up to find that...wait for it....I'M UNDER 200LBS! Yes I woke up to find I am 199.8lbs, what a brilliant way to start a day. I've not exercised (yet , i'm hoping to do some crunches when my dinner has gone down a bit) so feel lazy and fat. But I ate 490cals today, so that I'm totally on form for the abc challenge! I want to try and stick as close to the recommended cals, or else I'll probably be on fast/100/200 everyday, which kind of defeats the object of the diet! Steph has really inspired me recently, and I swear I owe all of this to her and ana, not to me. But I don't mind how we get there, so long as we do! Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!

Absolute Bloody Celebration!

Sorry once again for the pics, but I can see a little difference so I'm chuffed, even if i'm still morbidly fat!

Well lovelies, what an absolutely perfect day! After yesterday's fast I woke up to having lost 3 pounds, meaning I actulally managed to lose something this week lol. I've finally bought myself some amazing scales, to tell me my body/water/bone/weight all in one! Not only that but I also got some brilliant green tea, caffiene and guarana pills which have had me buzzing like a teenager on speed all day! i've had NO appetite, I only ate a small salad (well I threw half away) because my mum wanted me to eat. I've danced in my house for about 4 hours like a loony (those pills had me wired!) this is the first time i've sat down, and I'm still not sleepy. Lovely steph has also had a brilliant day, we feel that skinniess is only around the corner. Ana has truly started to take us under her wing again, and we wonder so much why we left her warm embrace in the first place!

I'm so excited for tomorrow, I feel on top of the world like nothing can stop me reaching my goals! Stay strong and be beautiful everyone! x

The start of something truly beautiful!

As you can tell by my title, today has been a 100% success! It's 1.08 am and I am sooo happy, all curled up in bed, ready to tell you all about my day. So first of all it being Sunday, was a lovely excuse to stay in bed until 11.30am, ahh the bliss of sleeping, no hunger or problems, I don't even notice I'm fat when I'm dreaming. So I get up and feel all positive, thanks to my Steph's pep talk the night before, ready for a day of fasting.

But fasting didn't seem enough, I wanted to atone for my bad behaviour and so set off for town and the gym. First I did a little shopping, I bought an elastic band for my left wrist to ping whenever I have food thoughts or cravings; worked so far! Then I bought a lovely red chunky beaded bracelet for my right hand, surely with a reminder like that i can stay away from food, well I hope!

But my shopping did not end there, I went and bought an A4 scrapbook, beautifully adorned with flowers and creepers, a large fashion shoot mag, and some felt tip pens. Feeling kind of childish, but happy I sat in Costas with a green tea (NO YUMMY MILKY CARAMEL COFFEE FOR ME!) and sat there cutting and glueing thinspo, aswell as writing my own inspiring thoughts. This really made me feel invigorated, and I now know why so many do it. After my thin play (as I shall call it) I set off for the gym, with full intentions to have a swim first. Alas with it being bank holiday tomo, they closed early. The centre was open for 25 mins, my god you never saw me move so fast. I didn't even change I ran into the gym and jumped on a treadmill, went on it for 10 mins then the arm rotator (for my flabby arms) for another 10 mins, ok I only burned 136cals, but hey I wasn't eating so it's ok yeah!

But I left the gym feeling uplifted (I could have just walked away) but in need of more exercise, I had a huge heavy bag on my back but decided to march (not jog, the bag was too painful if jogging) all the way home, mostly uphill at a distance of 3 miles (5km) I know it's not alot, but I felt soooo good when I got home. And d'you know what! I haven't eaten anything! i've stayed strong. I'm so excited for ABC tomorrow, i promise not to let anyone else down!

Be strong! x

I'm sorry :(

I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday, but I am just plain ashamed of myself. I haven't been to the gym and I ate 900 cals yesterday. I thought that was bad until today...I was meant to fast due to my high calorie intake recently, and I did until 6.30pm.

Then I was home, and the kitchen called me... More so that usual, it screamed at me. I looked in every cupboard, fridge and freezer looking for what I could eat. I ate a huge bowl of pasta with tomatoes (450) but even though I was stuffed it wasn't enough. So I ate MORE, I had pitta and hummus and honey on toast. I'm so full and uncomfortable. I'm such a pig, I've failed so badly. I feel awful and fat. How will I ever be beautiful If I can't control myself!

Sorry for being down, I've had stress at work and my love life, so I think it's effecting me. I promise to do better! I really promise :(

Gym and Binge

I'm sorry to say but today I've been a pig (what's new) a total of 900 cals!!!! I know it disgusts me even thinking about it. Too much temptaion and I'm feeling utterly weak. I did burn off 450 cals at the gym in guilt, so I suppose it could have been worse. Right now I feel so angry with myself, why did I not just say no as Ana said! How will I ever get thin and beautiful if I stuff my face with rubbish. I'm worrying about my Big Weigh in on Monday now, I don't think I'll have done too good. But I WILL be good and complete the ABC diet. I just have too! Otherwise I feel like I will never take off my clothes again, I look at my fat sagging body and I want to cry and be sick. No one should look this disgusting.
All I need is some willpwower, to not reach for that extra olive, to not take another falafal. Just stick to my calorie restriction and I'll be fine.
Sorry I'm all down, I promise tomorrow will be a better day, or I think Ana will be so very angry with me.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Well, today has been unusual that's for sure. Today I was visited by greed and gluttony but thank god not Compulsive Overeating! I ate a lovely mooli sushi (50 cals) for breakfast (i know odd choice :P) and a banana(100cals). Knowing I only had 150 cals left for the day...I buy a pasta salad worth 300 cals! Why! I struggled with it, Ana was screaming at me to stop eating, but I continued...so she said, fine eat half and throw the rest. You know I stopped half way, and there was no bins,haha I used that pathetic excuse to eat the lot! Ok, I know it wasn't a catastrophic binge (all day 450cals when I should have had 300cals) but it has mucked up my ABC, I've yet to speak with my sunshine Steph to see if we should start over or not. BUT!!!! My lovely people, there is good news from this weakness! From the guilt of eating the evil pasta salad that put me over my limit, Ana has finally got my lazy arse into the Gym! It wasn't a killer workout (has bad stomach cramps from eating, and also have a bust back from sleeping on an airbed), but I did burn up a sweat and totalled 350cals burnt. So I think I can just about forgive my slip up, I will try to go to the gym after work (thu-sat) and if possible during the week too. Hope you are all feeling positive and good, remember tomorrow is another day we have to get it right.

Update: Arghhh, why oh why did I eat again! 244 damn cals from a stupid tin of spaghetti! What's wrong with me! PIG! So now I've had 694cals! YUK! That's really disgusting! I feel so damn ashamed :( I am the ugly...

Update 2:OK spoke with lovely Steph and she had a bad day yesterday, so we will begin ABC on Monday!!!

Hey hey what a brilliant day! Day two ABC

Well so far today i've become a mistress (i know bad girl), had 476cals and I've found an old great friend! No more drink for me tonight, that's all my calorie intake has been...apart from a naughty vienesse cake (176cals) so it's just smoke, pogt and good company! Feeling positive, two days of abc and i feel great! Sorry for my stoned blog, if nothing makes sense then...pah! Lol. Hope you're all having a great day.
Ana knows best! :)

Oh forgot to say, she finally got me off my fat arse. I walked for two hours non stop. I would have jogged, but I'm away and only have heels with me. Really excited for my days of weight loss. I will be beautiful!

ABC Day 1

Ok (sorry for sooo many posts, so much to say!) today I have started the ABC diet with my beautiful buddy steph. We have been supporting each other throughout the past week and will until the very end! I know Ana was a bit miffed at me for eating, but she knows I am trying my best and that I WILL stick to this diet for her. So this is day one and the cals to be eaten today are 500. I've just eaten some splendips (148 cals) and I found it hard to finish them, half of the dips are still there so I prob only had 100 cals... The only other thing I have to eat is some cornflakes semi skimmed milk (185cals) So I've not got enough for 500cal I know, but I should be ok...yeah?

Ana's words

'Look at you, you disgust me. You're so fat! And you wonder why you're all alone and no man wants you! Why would he want to be with a fat ugly pig like you, who'll eat him out of house and home. Do you really think guys like having sex with you? They probably do it as a dare, or because they feel sorry for you. Look at yourself!'

So of course I do, she's right she always is. I am utterly disgusting to look at, I'd never sleep with me.

'No one will ever marry you looking like that, who would want a fat wife? You've let yourself go before you even have them! No man would be able to carry you over the threshold! And you can't even get off of your fat arse and move. Do you WANT to lose weight? Or do you want to stay fat forever? Go on, get up, go and run somewhere'

Ana knows I only have heels with me, so why is she being so cruel?

Because you need it fatty. Why didn't you bring flats with you? Why didn't you plan ahead? You're useless and pathetic

She's so right...but I'm getting hungry. I really want to eat something.

You ate so much yesterday, or have you forgotten! Don't you want to be slim and beautiful! I would let you buy some fruit but you won't do that will you? You'll just eat crap like you always do.

Again she's so right, I will try Ana. I promise, but it's so hard. I'm so lonely

All you need is me.

Ok Ana, I hope so.

Bringing you up to date

Monday 23/08/2010 197 pounds

Every monday I will weight myself and print pictures of my ugly fat body (I'm sorry, but looking at it will stop any craving you have!) to show my progress due to Ana's loving guidance. And no I have not eaten yet today, and she is very proud of me, although she is not so happy about my exercising as of yet. But I will aim to please her.

So now here I am a few years later without dear Ana, and what am I FAT! In fact I'm the fattest i've ever been! I knew I had to get her back to me, if only she would forgive me for sending her away. I weighed a total of (please don't be sick) 16 Stone (225 pounds) pure disgusting! My thighs rub together, by butt wobbles, my arms are like an old womans all saggy and soft, my stomach is a horrid gelatinous mess. Something needed to be done, and I knew there was only one way to get her back and get her back fast!
And that's what I did FAST! From last Monday (a week ago) I stopped eating (I've had a few lapses but will explain) This was my get Ana back diet;
Monday: Water and a glass of very watered down ribena (23 cals)
Tuesday: Water, cornflakes with semi skimmed milk (185cals) and an espresso (2 sugar cubes) (50 cals)
Wednesday: Water and glass of robinsons fruit and barley watered down (20 cals)
Thursday: Water a packet of hula hoops (175 cals) and watermelon slice (46 cals)
Friday:Water and a Stupid chicken wrap (300cal) and a packet of quavers (89 cals)
Saturday:Water, Green tea (1 cal)
Sunday: Stupid binge day! Prawn sandwich (350 cals), quavers (89 cals) and two cereal bars (192 cals) Then I went out :( never again, three gin and slims and a quarter of a chicken kebab. I don't even WANT to know how many cals I blew over that one!

After this week, even with my stupid lapses, Ana is speaking to me again. In fact I don't think she ever left me. I've not been hungry on any of the days, just my stupid fat self had no self control and ate! But do you know what Ana did for me in this first week, how much weight she helped me lose?
20 pounds!!!!! In one week! I'm now 205 pounds and I'm not going to give in to eating no matter what my compulsive obessessive eating disorder says, Ana knows best. Only she will make me slim and beautiful!

My Shameful confession

I'm fat, there's no denying that, anyone can see it! I know I may alot of you feel sick out there and i'm sorry really sorry, but I'm doing this to shame myself, as a punishment for how fat I've let myself get! I've always had a problem with food, my mother brought me up to 'always finish my plate' even though I was given twice an adults portion. All tasty, but fat and calorie ridden that now makes me feel sick thinking about it. So I'm fat and have always been fat apart from once in my life...

I had split up with a guy that used to beat me, a long 3 and a half years of abuse. One day I finally had the courage to leave, with that courage came self respect, not from my size but I realised i could do anything. So many of my friends were slim and beautiful, so I said that's enough I'm getting slim! Everyday I ate the same thing, no breakfast, black sugarless tea, a small salad for lunch (no dressing, on occassion a tiny bit of plain tuna) and for dinner a small packet of noodles with veg. Slowly day by day Ana spoke more and more to me...

'Move your lazy arse, why are you sitting! You'll burn more calories if you stand you know'
So I would stand knowing she was right.
'If your standing you might aswell move! Jog on the spot, do push ups against the wall, run up and down the stairs, tense and release your muscles...every calorie counts!'
So I would obey her, knowing she was right...every single calorie DID count! For every one I didn't take I was gaining more control over my fat nasty self! And I did, one day my boss asked would i like some coleslaw on my salad, I nearly freaked out! Mayonnaise! How disgusting I though, I could just imagine the fat seeping into me, like an infection. I went home with avengence and checked out my noodles, and omg the fat content in the dry powder was astronomical!!! I'd been eating all of this fat every day! Ok, I WAS the slimmest I had ever been, but I knew I was still fat. I could see my lovely hip and collarbones, the looked sooo beautiful!
I threw away the packets and carried on my routine.
One day a little thing, apparently called common sense, said to me.
'Jasmine, you can't keep at this. You must have SOME fat in your diet,a small amount is healthy, you remember science class!'
I wasn't convinced, but then it said.
'Look at your friends, they eat all sorts of things and stay slim. It'll be ok, we'll just make sure you have tiny portions, then the calories stay low, but you get a varied diet'
The strange voice had a point, ok I will try. But my God it was Sooo hard. just to put a teaspoon of coleslaw on my salad. I could imagine that fat making me fat again. But each day it got easier, and I just maintained my weight. Ana slowly stopped talking to me a few months later. I guess that's when the trouble all began again...